Fragile Dreams

I've always thought
that I would love to live by the sea
To travel the world alone
and live my life more simply
I have no idea what's happened to that dream
Cos there's really nothing left here to stop me
It's just a thought, only a thought
- Life for Rent by Dido

I haven't allowed myself to think about Dirigo much, keeping it in the back of my mind. This seems like it has such a slim chance of happening that it could be another of my many fantasies that are so far fetched I could never make them happen.

Anyway, I think about my dreams a lot, imagining every possibility until they wear out and grow old, crumbling to a memory that I remember fondly now and then but no longer cherish. But the thing is, I don't know if I could possibly imagine what it would be like to fly (I've never been on a plane) to California (never been outside of the eastern time zone) and sail aboard a small tall ship for six months--or however long it would take--when I've never been away from home for more than...a week.

See why I'm somewhat terrified of going? But the possibilities! I feel like I could expand and grow so much and become more confidant in a lot of things.

Hope

This is my day, this is my song
I am alive...what can go wrong?
- This is My Song! by Carbon Leaf

Of course a lot of people want to sail aboard Dirigo. Who wouldn't? And why should I be any more qualified than the scores of other Sea Scouts Mr. Alexander knows, and some of them Quartermasters? I haven't a clue how I'd choose were I in his place, but today I received this email from my mom:

Caitlín,

During our discussion about yesterday [Amanda Grace's first sail] while on my lunch hour today, Steve Alexander noted, totally unsolicited, "I was very impressed by your daughter. She was distracted now and then, but I could see she is a natural. Caitlín is smart, well spoken, and will do well in anything she does. I would sail with her any time."

xxxooo Mamma

I feel a bit more hopeful that I might have a chance of being part of Dirigo's voyage.

Dare I Go?

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."
–Mark Twain

About a week and a half ago my mom put the idea into my head that there's a chance I could be aboard the 72' schooner Dirigo II (Latin for "I direct" or "I lead," pronounced "dee-ri-go") next December as she sails from California to the Chesapeake Bay. The voyage will include going through the Panama Canal, possibly the Galapagos, and I would assume the Caribbean as well.
What a tremendous opportunity to explore and discover things on my own--without mom, dad, sister, or friends along. But quite frankly the thought also scares the crap out of me. Almost every time I think about going--which is often, I tear-up with a) longing to go b) fear that I won't be able to go due to inexperience or finances c) fear of going in general or d) fear that I'll be able to go, but will chicken out and regret it for the rest of my life.
Although I have yet to find a course for my life, my heart is set on this star.