i want to write poems

I want to write more poems. Messy and truthful and meaningful, about love and life and the sometimes-shit of it all.

I read some Charles Bukowski the other day, and today a friend's blog (she's good, check it out). I feel like I'm so confined with what I think a poem should be. Bukowski says in his poem so you want to be a writer? -

"don't do it.

unless it comes out of

your soul like a rocket,

unless being still would

drive you to madness or

suicide or murder,

don't do it.

unless the sun inside you is

burning your gut,

don't do it."

I think I could. I think I maybe could, if I allowed myself to be myself. I'm not cowed, but I'm not bold.

Feeling Blessed

The few select people I've told of my plans have been very supportive. I'm not exactly sure why I find this so surprising, but I love it. They believe that I can do it.

My boss at my one-day-a-week job--an experienced sailor with a captain's license--offered to help me find job openings and lodging during training. My lifelong friend simply said it would be an awesome thing for me to do, and understood that I would love it, but that was enough.

I haven't told anyone else yet (well, excepting you, who stumbled across this blog). For some reason, my family interfering would ruin it, make it not mine anymore.

By the way, I'm currently looking at working aboard the two 74' schooners--Woodwind and Woodwind II--in Annapolis, and hoping to find a house-sitting position in exchange for a place to stay during the summer. Woodwind takes crew with some experience, pays minimum wage during training and, I suppose, slightly more once the job actually begins. Plus tips. I don't care; I'd gain experience and get to sail and race!

Wow, these posts are getting randomer and randomer.

So Exciting!

The last couple hours were spent clicking through all the links to ship’s pages on the tall ships Facebook page. Why?

Because I’ve determined my goal: sail as part of OpSail 2012 aboard Pride of Baltimore as paid crew! (In the slim chance that Pride does not participate in OpSail, by the year 2012.)

Pride does not take volunteer crew, so I will have to build my experience to that of a “professional” level tall ship sailor before I can sign on. So far I’ve discovered the American privateer schooner Lynx and U.S. brig Niagara take on volunteer crew, and Niagara even has a program that lasts up to 4 weeks.

I know I’m just beginning, but at the moment I can’t decide. I love both the ships; Lynx is so sleek and streamlined, Niagara has that 19th-century Navy look I find so majestic. One is just a few states north, but tuition prices are over $1,000. The other is in California, but doesn’t mention a cost of more than $85.

Maybe I’ll ask around about some crewing experiences others have had aboard tall ships….

Today I Feel...

So excited and so scared. I’m looking forward to the future, but I’m worried I’ll crap out. Nobody seems to have much faith in me right now, and instead of support from my family I’ve been receiving contempt. Not a lot, just little jabs every several days; enough to make me doubt myself more than I already do. When it comes from my sister, three years younger, it hurts the most. My mom's opinion matters to me so goddamn much--I don’t know why it does and I wish it didn’t.

I am going to kick butt on long cruise next week. Without my mom there, telling me what to do, I’m going to be my best.

Sorry for being emo today.

Reaching for My Dreams

I’m eating ramen, and writing this because last night I lay in bed--awake much longer than I would prefer for having to be at work at 6am--my brain thinking wildly about possibilities. I’m done with waiting for things to fall into my lap; I am going to, however cautiously I need to, start taking steps toward what I want.

After I didn’t get accepted as a Great Lakes United Tall Ships Challenge 2010 American Sail Training Association intern, I fell into a I-failed-so-I-must-not-be-good-enough-for-anything mindset. But then I started thinking–while I’m sure the internship has a lot to offer and would have been a fantastic experience for me, it’s not really what I want to do.

So I started researching volunteer crew opportunities aboard sailing ships. It’s not the best time of year, as this season’s positions are already filled and most ships won’t be taking more until spring, but it will give me time to look into it more. Adjust to the idea. Plan for travel and insurance and buy the needed gear.

I’d like to work onboard and learn the ropes on one or more vessels that take volunteer crew, and then, when I’m more qualified, perhaps apply for a paid position aboard Sultana or Pride of Baltimore.

Lachaim!

Rejuvenating

Blogger's new layout options inspired me to restart this blog about my Journey to Being Someoneness.

I decided from now on I'll try to do instead of waiting for things to fall into my lap. Even if it's scary. Even if I fail.

I just need to gather my courage and go.

What I Hope to Find at Sea

Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
- Suddenly I See by KT Tunstall

In the wee hours of this morning during an IM session, I was asked, "Who do you want to be?" It all just came out:

I want to experience my true self, not just know what it is. I want to be a bold sailor writer woman who is genuine and can speak her feelings of love and caring aloud without hesitation (because I'm kind of shy with that). I want to be someone who can make decisions and be a capable leader who values people for their particular strengths and leaves their weaknesses behind.

This is who I know I am inside, I just haven't been her yet except in glimpses. And the glimpses have most often happened aboard boats, so that's where I'll go.